Shinra's Revenge
by KittyKittyKT
Summary: Rufus wants revenge, but in a not so bright way. PLEASE RR. Changed Rating because of language.
1. Warning!

**RUFUS IS WATCHING YOU!**

Warning! The following material may not be suitable for children under 13. The following material may contain course language, pot-smoking buddies, teletubies, drug and alcohol use. May contain trace amount of Yeti fur. Avoid if allergic. Other than the Yeti, no animals were harmed in the making of the fic, except E.T.


	2. The Plot Is Set

       As the new Shinra Building stands in the center of Neo Midgar the Shinra officials

discuss among themselves their plans of revenge for the damage and pride lost by the 

hands of the rebellious group AVALANCE. Rufus and Scarlet who amazedly survived

against their ordeal with the AVALANCE group, and Plamer, who went through 

immense surgery after being run down by the 18-wheeler truck in Rocket Town, were

present in the meeting. Rufus listened to the contributed ideas from the officials and 

devised his own evil plots against the AVALANCE group. Scarlet discussed her plans of 

producing a new and advance WEAPON to Plamer. Heidegger presence is unknown for 

the time being

Palmer: Soooo…. wh..what …areeee. youuu. go..ing ..t..to…do?

Scarlet: Palmer will you stop with that ridicules talking. Do you understand that we are 

             in the presence of Rufus?

Rufus (surprisingly): You can actually understand him!?

Scarlet: What's not to understand sir?

Rufus: Hmm, very well. What are your plans Scarlet?

Scarlet: Well sir, we're going to use our most advance and complex technology to create 

             a nuclear, odor producing bomb.

Rufus: So in other words a fart bomb.

Scarlet: To put it negatively yes, but this will be a more advanced and powerful bomb, 

             which is strong enough to kill anyone who inhales it.

Rufus: I can see the death certificate………. cause of death, fart bomb. How depressing.

Palmer: That's how my parents died.

Rufus:………………………..O…..KAYYYYYY. As I said… how depressing.

Scarlet: Now all we need is the exact location of the AVALANCE HQ.

Rufus: Well let's say they currently do not have an HQ and are scattered across the globe,

           how will you reunite them in one location so that it will be possible to use the 

           bomb?

Scarlet: Uhhhhhhhh… I didn't thought of that yet sir. I am truly sorry sir.

Rufus: Well I recommend that you start thinking ahead for now on and be careful with 

the what ifs. 

Scarlet: Yes Sir!

Rufus: Oh and Scarlet.

Scarlet: Yes sir?

Rufus: You are promoted to toilet cleaning duties.

Scarlet: WHAT? You want me to be a JANITOR!?

Rufus: To put it negatively yes.

   Rufus leaves Scarlet with a wet, smelly, overflowing toilet that reeks and that hasn't be 

flushed for over four months. The Shinra soldiers already left the office for fear of Scarlet 

losing her mind and attacking them with rabies which she will most likely receive after

her work is done. Rufus enters his private office and closes the curtains of the windows. 

A shadowy figure steps away from the corner of the room and steps towards Rufus.

Rufus: You know what to do and I expect results. Do you understand?

Sephy Clone: Uhhhhhhhh

Rufus: What was that?

Sephy Clone: Uhhhhhhhh

Rufus: What is occurring through your head is a mystery to me.

Sephy Clone: Uhhhhhh

Rufus: …..????

     The Sephy Clone slowly walks out the office door and trips over a fallen Scarlet who 

is foaming through her mouth, which is a side effect of rabies. The Sephy Clone remains 

motionless as Scarlet rages on about "Meow Mix" and how it killed her goldfish, which 

lives in her bathtub. Rufus watches on from his door and called animal control to take 

Scarlet away to give her a rabies shot and to get fixed as well. The Sephy Clone still 

remains motionless.

Rufus: You may get up now.

The Sephy Clone remains motionless

Rufus: Damn these artificial "Just Add Water" Sephy Clones. 

    Rufus walks towards his desk and pulls out another "Sephy Can" from one of his 

drawers and brought it to life by adding cheep, tasteless water. The new Sephy Clone 

pops out of the can and waits for his orders from his new master. After receiving his 

orders from Rufus, the Sephy Clone walked out of the Shinra HQ only to be shot by Reno 

and the Turks in the streets.

Reno: Die you freaking bastered!

Reno starts shooting the Sephy Clone with out any mercy.

Elena: Reno stop! It's dead okay. You killed it. You blew his head up along with some 

          other major organs and LOOK! He doesn't even have a face anymore just a lot of 

          bullet holes in what's left of his face.

Reno: I'm just glad it's over Elena.

Elena: Yeah me too. Hey do you want a cup of cappuccino?

Reno: Sure why not? 

    Reno and Elena left to the nearest cappuccino shop and left Rude to take care of the 

remains of the Sephy Clone.

Rude (thinking): Why am I always stuck to do the dirty work? Last time it was with the 

                         purple Teletubie that Reno assaulted while attending a child's birthday 

                         party. Why did I had to attend?

      Back at H.Q. Rufus was attending a meeting to discuss about the new head of the 

Security department. At this time Rufus was waiting patiently for the officials to come 

and start the delayed meeting.

Rufus (singing): O, where O, where can the officials be? O, where O, where can they be?

Rufus: Damn the stupid Holidays! Just because it is Christmas doesn't mean that there is 

          no work today. That's it! I'm promoting this Sephy Clone head of the Security 

          Department so I can go open my presents. I hope I got a Sephiroth action figure for 

          Christmas. Please Santa Please! I was a good boy this year. Okay, so I murdered a 

          few people and send one of my employees to get fixed, but that doesn't count.

   Scarlet walks in the office looking as if she has been raped and was foaming in her 

mouth. She starts twitching and struggles to hold on to her consciousness. Rufus took 

notice of her and starts to slowly back away along with his third Sephy Clone. 

Rufus: Scarlet, so you have returned?

Scarlet: Yes sir I..I have completed my..my duty as the bathroom janitor.

Rufus: Very well then. So how are you feeling?

Scarlet: I never knew someone could get rabies from cleaning a toilet that hasn't been 

            flushed in over four months sir.

Rufus: Lesson well learned.

Scarlet: But that was the men's bathroom.

     Rufus stares at Scarlet intensely and leads her out the door along with his Sephy 

Clone. Scarlet stares at Rufus dumbfounded and waits for an explanation.

Rufus: You can return to your work now Scarlet.

Scarlet: But..But sir I already finished the men's restroom.

Rufus: No, I mean your work with the Science Department.

Scarlet: Thank you sir.

Rufus: And you Sephy Clone, you may be dismissed. I hope you improve the 

          Security Department a lot better than Heidegger. 

Sephy Clone: …

    Rufus shuts the door on Scarlet and the Sephy Clone. He walks to the dark 

oak desk and sits on black, leather chair. He turns on his 30-inch big, flat screen TV

and flips to pay per view to order a movie. Reno enters the room and waits at the door.

Reno: You asked for me sir?

Rufus: Yes, come, and sit down.

    Reno sits on a small recliner in front of the TV. 

Rufus: Do you want a drink?

Reno: No sir. Thank you for your hospitality.

    An anti-drug commercial appears on the screen

TV (singing): Your brain gets dizzy  

                    Your body gets numb

                     If you take drugs

                     That's just dumb

                     You want to be strong 

                     You want to be loud

                      Don't take drugs!!!

Rufus: Society is so corrupt now these days. It's amazing what TV will lead the masses 

          to do. Now these anti-drug commercial will pollute the minds of parents and child 

          alike.

    A big, fat, yellow, happy face (not to be confused with the one of Wal-Mart) appears

on the screen.

TV: Don't take them.

Reno: Shit! I'm going to take drugs now.

Rufus: Explain why.

Reno: I don't want to end up as that screw up, excuse of a retarded, broken down, have 

          no idea what the shit is THAT, face.

Rufus: Very well then, but before you go I have a mission for you.

Reno: What's the mission sir?

Rufus: Find out about the whereabouts of AVALANCE and report

           to me ASAP. 

Reno: Yes sir!

    Reno walks out of Rufus' office and walks to the back of the Shinra building to join his 

pot-smoking buddies, which includes the other Turks.

Elena: Hi ET!

Reno: Elena, I think that the drugs finally got to your head.

Elena: ET PHONE HOME!!!!!!!

    ET mysteriously appears with a Sprint PCS cell phone.

ET: ET does phone home!

    As ET walks away, Reno starts remembering about the commercial and now is 

confused whether if he should or shouldn't smoke pot, Rude's glasses falls off, Tseng 

and Elena simply passes out. Rufus was watching from his window and takes a glance

at his Budweiser beer and throws it away. He then calls security and had ET removes 

from the facility.

Rufus: The plan is set now and all we need to do is wait.

A/N:

This is what happens when my brother and I are bored to death and are full of crazy

ideas. We put it on paper and this is what we get. Well anyway I'll be working on this

fic for a while until I get motivated to write a new chapter for my other fics. Sorry for

the inconvenience, but writers block sucks.

                                                                                   -KT ^_^

PS: My brother DM says hi!


	3. Gil and Possum Problems

      After the exhausting battle with Sephiroth, Tifa relocated her bar to Nibelheim and 

took residence in her old home. Cloud moved back in to his own home after the old 

woman mysteriously disappeared after meteor. Unfortunately the bar was never complete

because of the lack of Gils. Tifa had to take two jobs to pay for some of the wood used 

for the construction of the bar. To make matters worse, it was unbearably hot in 

Nibelheim the day Tifa decided to work on the bar and there was no way of cooling off.

Vincent decided to stay in the Shinra Mansion because the old house suited his moods.

He driven out the monsters that haunted the mansion and somehow placed Lost Number

back in the safe. Since YingYang never leaves the basement and hardly causes trouble, he

lets the monster stay. Tifa was found in the incomplete bar lying on her back on top of 

the table. Her face was covered with sweat and her hair clenched to her face. Cloud came

in with a pitcher of cold water and poured two glasses for Tifa and himself.

Tifa: Damn it! Why does it have to be so hot today!? 

Cloud (drinking): Sip…

Tifa: I wish the sun would go away so I could cool off.

Cloud: Sip Sip…

Tifa: I wish these stupid bills would go away as well.

Cloud: Sip Sip Sip…

Tifa: I wish you would stop sipping so loud.

Cloud: blink blink blink.

Tifa: Cloud!

Cloud: What?!

Tifa: Stop that.

Cloud: Stop what?

Tifa: Ahhh just forget it!

Cloud: Okay.

    Tifa got up from the table and wiped the sweet from her face with a cloth that was left

behind. A gust of wind suddenly blown into the bar through the unfinished roof and 

quickly died out. A loud roar was heard and quieted after a while. 

Anonymous1: You #%$^#$, you stupid  @#$%$%^. I hate your @#$%^&!

Anonymous2: Me! What did I do you @#$%^&*#. It's your @#$%^ fault you white 

                     @#$%^   ^@#$%  face!  

Anonymous1: lllll  @#$%^ you!

      Tifa giggled, knowing who it was. Cloud signed and forced himself up. Both Barret 

With Marlene and Cid came inside. After the battle with Sephiroth, Barret retured to 

Coral in hopes of restoring the old ghost town. Cid decided to go back to rocket town 

where he finally apologized to Sara for being an #$^$#^.

Cid: That's it! I'm tired of this #$%#$# beeper.

     Cid walkes up to the mysteries beeper and destroys the helpless object with rage.

Cid: Take that you fucken piece of fucken shit.

      Cid continues to stab the already unrepairable beeper.

Tifa: Where did that beeper come from?

Barret: How the fuck am I suppose to know? How about you Spike Ass?

Cloud: Why won't you shut the fuck up you marshmallow.

Barret (screaming): Stop insulting my sailor suit!!! 

Marlene: Daddy I'm hungry!

Cid: Yeah me too!

Marlene: He's not your daddy.

Barret: I'll have nightmares for life if he is my son.

Tifa: Lets all go to my place. I can come up with something.

Cloud: Is this a trap for me?

Tifa (mischievous): NO!!!!

Cloud: …

     Yuffie and Vincent were playing a hard game of chest. Nanaki was watching

and Cait Sith was complaining about how nobody wanted to have their fortune 

read.

Cloud: Hey Tifa, how many games did they played?

Tifa: How many? 

Cloud: Yeah that's what I said "how many?"

Tifa: This is still their first game Cloud.

Cloud: First game?

Tifa: Yup.

Cloud: How long were they playing?

Tifa: Almost a whole week.

Cloud: A Whole Week!!!

Tifa: Almost a week.

      The game was never finished. Vincent and Yuffie were dragged out of the bar.

Nanaki and Cait Sith followed along with hopes of getting their stomach filled. 

Tifa came in first, followed by Barret and Cid, who were carrying a numb Yuffie

and Vincent. It was obvious that they haven't moved from their seats for the week

during the chest match, therefore cutting the blood circulation  from their legs.

Yuffie: I'm hunnnnnnnnnnggggggggrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy!!!

Vincent: I'm dyyyyyyyyyyyyiiinnnnnnnngggggggggg!!!

Cid: Shut up you knuckleheads.

       Cloud enters the house with his guard up, afraid of a surprise attack from Tifa.

He was relieved when he was confirmed that Tifa was already in the kitchen, singing

a familiar tune. 

Tifa (singing): I want to be the very best that no one every was…

Cloud: Oh no not Pokemon again.

Tifa: To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause…

Cloud: No don't sing. No more!!!

Tifa: You always love to spoil my fun.

Cloud: By singing the Pokemon theme song!

Tifa: Hey don't make fun of pokemon. It's very educational.

Cloud: And sickening cute!

Tifa: Hey don't make fun of the pikachus!

Cloud: It's a rat!

Tifa: It's really a mouse.

Cloud: What's the difference?

Tifa: One's cute, one's not.

Cloud: Two words.

Tifa: What?

Cloud: Rat poison!!!

Tifa: Eeek!!!

Cloud: ;)

      Cloud runs out of the kitchen as pots and pans somehow gained the ability

to fly at full force against his head with Tifa screaming at Cloud for being cruel

against the pikachus and the other pokemon.

Cloud: But it's only a TV show.

Tifa: Go away or you won't get fed.

Cloud (pounting) You may have won the battle, but the war is not over!

       Cloud walks towards the dinning area, dragging his Napoleon hat with him. He 

quietly sits down. Barret and Cid were swapping stories on how much alcohol they 

can hold and get drunk with. Marlene was playing with Nanaki's tail. Nanaki was 

careful with the small child and every time she came close to touching the flame he 

flicks his tail away from her. Cait Sith was harassing everyone into telling them their 

fortune. Yuffie was looking for an opportunity to steal some materia and Vincent was 

silently brooding. Aeris mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. Tifa finished making the 

meal and placed the food on the table. Everyone rushed to get their share before 

everything was gone.

Tifa: Cloud.

Cloud: Yes Tifa?

Tifa: Can you take the trash out for me?

Cloud: But I'm eating now.

Tifa: It's only two seconds.

Cloud: But…

Tifa: JUST DO IT!

Cloud: grrr FINE.

Tifa (whispers to herself): My plan is working.

       Cloud walks to the kitchen and collects the trash. He mumbles to himself how he was

being unappreciated and forced into hard labor AKA taking out the trash. He walks 

through the small allay that is between Tifa and his own house. A small tattered noise 

broke the silence of the night.

Cloud: God we are starting to sound like a married couple.

?????: Hisssss…

Cloud: What was that?

?????: Hiss Hiss.

Cloud: I think I should start running now.

        A small furry animal jumped from one of garbage can and angrily hissed at Cloud. 

It's face was white, but the rest of the body was a smoky gray and has a rat-like tail. The 

small possum growled and hissed even louder.

Cloud: Good possum. I know you won't attack me so I'll be going now.

Possum: Hissss!

Cloud: Umm Barret, Vincent… help.

Possum: grrrr.

Cloud: Um somebody. I need help with the killer possum here!

       The possum jumped on his face and attacked Cloud.

Cloud: AHHHHH! SHIT!!!!!

Possum: munch munch…

Cloud: Fuck it's trying to eat me!!!

Possum: scratch scratch…

Cloud: GET IT OFF!!!!

Possum: growl 

Cloud: AHHH!!!

        Barret heard screams coming from outside and looks out the window. He saw half

the body of Cloud being suspended in the air and the other half was covered by the trash

tank. Screams of pain and agony filled the air as the body was launched into the air. 

Cloud crashed against the wall, but the possum suddenly vanished. 

Barret: Yo Cloud what happened to you foo.

Cloud: Po..Po.. POSSUM!!!

Barret: What the $%^%#% happened to you?

Cloud: POSSUM!!!

Barret: #%$%^$ that #$%^& beeper is back!

Cloud: POSSUM!!!

Barret: Huh???

        The possum broke through the window and grabbed Barret by the beard and dragged 

him outside. Everyone watched in shock as a mysteries force was pulling Barret outside.

Barret: #$%^^&%$!!!

Cloud: Oh no the possum got Barret!!! Lucky me.

Barret: Die you #$%^&$%^&!!!

Yuffie: No don't kill it!!!

Barret: AND LET IT EAT ME!!!

Yuffie: You taste bad so it won't really eat you.

Barret: Why you little @#$%^&.

Cloud: RUN IT'S COMING BACK!!!

Barret: REEEAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

        The possum ran to the front of the house saw Cid having a smoke. The possum 

crawled towards the blond and tried to steal the cigarette from his hand. 

Cid: What the #$%^& are you? #$%^& the beeper's back!

        Zangan came back from his trip to Wutai after Sephiroth's attack on Nibelheim. The 

possum lost his interest on Cid's cigarette and went after Zangan's red cape. The possum

attacked Zangan until he lay helpless on the ground from the possum's attack. Tifa 

rushed out of her home and stood by her master's wounded side.

Tifa: Master, speak to me!

Zangan (weak voice): Tifa… I have taught you everything I know. Now you must go and 

             spread my teachings around the world. 

Tifa: Are you okay master?

Zangan: Tifa I… I am…dying.

Tifa: But it's only a couple of scratches.

Zangan: Tifa, respect your old master's wishes. It may be hard, but you will live through 

              it.

Tifa: But you're nowhere near you're death.

Zangan: Tifa…please…remember…

Tifa (interrupts): Don't start with the Lion King.

Zangan:………. Party pooper……(death)

Clould: ….. someone pass me a stick.

Aeris: Here, you can use my staff.

Cloud: Good enough…..

      Cloud starts poking Zangan's body to see if he was really dead.

Cloud: I think he is really dead..

Zangan: X_X

Tifa: Quick CPR!

      Everyone took a few steps back away from Tifa and the not to sure dead Zangan.

Cloud: You're joking right?

Tifa: Hell no and besides you did it once before.

Cloud: And did you know what that got me?!

Barret: Is there going to be another flashback?

Cloud: Author flashback please.

Barret: Don't do it or I'll shoot you. 

KT: I'm the author and so I can make you not shoot me.

Barret: Oh.

KT: Flashback coming up! Stay seated at all times and please keep your hands and feet      

       inside the ride at all times.

Barret: What is this some kind of #$%^ amusement park?

KT: You cuss too much.

Barret: So what's your #$%^& problem you little #$%^&.

Kt: You are a litt..uh big evil person and for your dirty mouth I will put a curse on you.

Barret: What the fuck are you going to do? Hey the beeper's gone.

KT: For now on when you cuss the beeper of hell will come and you will be the only

        one who will be censored. 

Barret: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo :cough cough: ooooooooooooooooooo.

KT: SHUT UP!!!!

Barret:…

KT: Okay bye bye.

         KT jumps back out of computer screen and continues watching Barret.

Barret: Grrr that #$%^&*. Nooo.

Tifa: Who was she?

Cloud: She is heroine of hell.

Tifa: Why Hell?

Cloud: Because she made Barret shut up.

Tifa: But she only made him stop cussing.

Cloud: 99.9% OF ALL THE WORDS HE SAYS ARE CUSS WORDS!

Tifa: Oh.

Cloud: Okay she left me the manual. Let's see what it says… What the… are these baby

            pictures? Aww is that Barre… man he's ugly.

Barret: I had #$%^& chickenpox! Damn you KKKKKKKTTTTTTTTT. (starts panting)

Cloud: Okay flashback time. Okay everyone repeat these words and do what I do.

Everyone: Okay.

Cloud: Blue's can do we can do (dddddddduuuuuuuuuwwwwww)

Everyone: 0_0*

         Cloud mysteriously gets sucked into a picture with him doing CPR.

Tifa: Okay lets get this over with.

Cid: Hell no I'm not doing the dancing and singing shit!

Tifa: Do you want to stay with the possum instead?

Cid:…. Let's Go!!!

Possum: Hissss.

Cid: Everyone do the Blue!!!

Tifa: Hurry!

Everyone: Blue's can do we can do Vincent!!!!

Vincent (monotone): What?

Everyone: Hurry!!

Vincent: I'll just give the possum KFC.

Everyone: Whhhhaaaaaaaaattttttttttt. (ddddddduuuuuuuuwwwwww)

Vincent (monotone): Okay let's go, but don't eat the….too late.

        The possum finished eating the picture and begged for more food.

Vincent: Now what? Marlene do you want draw?

Marlene: Kay. J

        Marlene uses her magic crayons of Oz to recreate the picture of Cloud.

Marlene: All finished!

Vincent: Okay let's go. I'll take the chocobo instead. My driver's license expired

               30 years ago.

Marlene: Let's take the shiny one.

        Vincent, Marlene, and the possum left to KFC on the gold chocobo. Meanwhile

In the flashback…

Cloud: Okay everyone we're here.

Tifa: Oh my God he's about to do CPR.

Aeris: I can't watch!

Tifa and Aeris: No don't do it Cloud.

Cid: It's a flashback. It's too late. 

        In the flashback Cloud was doing CPR to Priscilla 

Priscilla: bluahh

Cloud: gulp bluahhhhhh uhh bluuu. (passes out)

        Later after Priscilla's rescue Cloud spent all day in the bathroom washing his mouth

with mouthwash and toothpaste, trying to remove the residue of the vomit.

Cloud: I'm never doing CPR again. I'll just let them die!

         End of flashback.

Cloud: Ok lets go home, someone get the manual.

Tifa: What's inside that bag?

Cloud: Lets see…….. what the, it's a pair of red glass slippers.           

Barret: What do you do with those?

Cloud: The manual says that the tallest person present must put it on, tap the heels of the 

            shoes together three times, and say there's no place like home three times.

Everyone, but Barret: ^_^ ohhhh Barret… 

Barret: #$%^&*(*&^%$ you @#$%^&*(^%$#$ cause #$%^&$# I will #$%^%$ not ya

            $%^&*(*^% HERE!!!

Everyone, but Barret (Flaming eyes): DO IT !!!!!!!!!!!

Barret: Gulp… pass me them shoes.

Tifa: Here you go.

Barret: Now how the @#$% do you put these @#$%^ shoes on. 

Cloud: Just push your fat ass feet in.

Barret: What the @#$% you called me?

           Glass slippers shatters.

Barret: HOLY @#$% MY @#$% FEET, SOMEONE HELP I'M @#$%^ BLEEDING.

            THIS IS ALL YOUR FALT YOU SKINNY @#$%, @#$%^, @#$%^.

Cloud: Doesn't he realizes I'm over here, and that he is cussing at Mr. Dolphin.

            Oh well let's do the blue.

Barret: WHAT???????

Tifa: SHITTTTT we forgot about Zangan.

           Back in the real world.

Zangan (singing): Rubber ducky you're the one, you make bath time so much fun. To bad 

                             a Wutaian girl stole you thinking you were a material.

           Back in the flashback/picture world.

Yuffie: Here Mr. Dolphin you can have this rubber ducky I have. So forget what Barret 

             said to you. How did I got this again?

Cloud: Ok, lets go.

Everyone: Blue's can do we can do. (ddddduuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeee).

           Back at real world. The possum, Vincent, and Marlene return to find everyone 

back from their flashback, but covered with crayon marks.

Tifa: I'm red!

Aeris: I'm a blond. How did this happened?

Cloud: I'm okay.

Aeris: No you're not a blond. You have brown hair.

Cloud: Nooooooo! Really?

Aeris: …

Zangan: Help me!

Possum: Hissss….

Zangan: Stay back!!!

Possum: Crunch crunch

Zangan: AHHHHHHHHHHH.

Tifa: Master!!

Zangan: Tifa forget about me. Save yourself!

Tifa: Okay sure. See ya.

Zangan: This is the last time I see one of those war movies.

Possum: Hehe

Zangan: NOOO! Stay away from me!

Possum: Crunch…

Zangan: AHHHH…

Tifa: Cloud do something.

Cloud: Sure I'll watch the leftover food.

Tifa: Cloud!!!

Cloud: Tifa watch out the possum is coming after you!

     Tifa winced in fear as the possum ran towards her, baring his teeth at her. The 

possum came closer to her, but jumped over her head and attack Cloud instead.

Cloud: AHHH! Vincent shoot it, shoot it!

Vincent: Stand back.

Yuffie: No!!! Don't shoot it!

   BANG!!!

Cloud: Ahhhhhhhhh. ( X X )

Tifa: Ahhhh Cloud!!!

Vincent (Twitching): I….. I missed I……. never miss.     

Yuffie: At least the possum was saved.  

Cloud: I'm still alive but…….ahhhh.

Tifa: The possum!

Vincent: I'll get it this time.

Cloud: NOOOOOO

   BANG (repeatedly) 

      Cloud laid silently on the ground. Everyone stood silent, not knowing what to do.

Cloud seemed to be dead, but he whispered his last words.

Cloud: The light. The angels have come to take me away. I can finally rest in peace…es.

Barret: Cid turn off that flashlight yo foo.

Tifa: Shut up Barret. Vincent, pass me a phoenix down. 

Vincent: I missed again. I never missed before. Oh gods I'm finally losing it!

Tifa: You sad, sad man.

Vincent: Huh?

Tifa: I said pass me a phoenix down.

Vincent:….

Tifa: Vincent I'm waiting. Hurry before Cloud dies for good.

Cloud: X_X

Vincent: I…

Yuffie: Ahhh the possum just ate the phoenix downs.

Tifa: What!!!!

Vincent (monotone): The possum was hungry and I had nothing to give it.

Tifa (outraged): And so you gave it all of the phoenix downs!

Vincent (coolly): Yes.

Tifa: HOW COULD YOU!?

Vincent: Don't you have that life materia?

Tifa: Oops…I forgot about that. Hehe sorry.   

       Tifa revives Cloud, but nobody had a full-cure or any healing materia with them. 

Cloud was rushed to the Mideel Clinic along with Barret who was bleeding from 

unknown places. Yuffie suggested that his gunarm was leaking. Everyone waited 

outside so that the doctors has enough space to do their jobs. Once the doctors were

done they were permitted inside. Inside the small room, small gifts and get well cards

were placed on a small table that the nurse has left behind. Yuffie had the possum on a

lease during their visit.

Yuffie: So Cloud, Barret, how are you two doing?

Cloud: Fine just please…keep the possum away for now.

Yuffie: Okay fine, but what are we going to do with the possum?

Cloud: I have an idea.

-Shinra Building

Secretary: Mr. President you received a package.

Rufus: From who?

Secretary: Don't know sir, there's no sender.

Rufus: Fine you may leave now.

Secretary: Thank you sir.

Rufus: Now lets see what we have here.

   Rufus opens the package.

Rufus: Hmm What the. AHHHH!

Possum (jumps out of the box): Graaaaah!

Rufus: Someone call secrurity!

Possum: Munch Munch….

Rufus: CALL ANIMAL CONTROL INSTEAD!!!

________________________________________________________________________

Well that's it for chapter 2. We decided to use Crow T R0bot's idea about what to do with 

Scarlet. We thought that it will be so funny and so we couldn't resist. If anyone has any 

suggestions we'll be happy to hear them and maybe use them too. ^_^ Crow T R0bot will 

receive special credit on the next chapter whenever it gets finished. Thanks!


	4. Scarlet's Revenge

Lila: "I hate my job! Damn that Rufus, ever since he came into power, my life has gone  
from bad to worse. Argg."  
  
Scarlet slowly crawled across the room with a dagger in her mouth. She was decked out in a camouflaged uniform with black paint marks under her eyes. Her helmet was dark green with tree branches on top. Her face was covered with dirt and her hair was messily picked up. She slowly crawled across the room and passed by in front Lila's desk. Lila, Rufus secretary, watched Scarlet with a worried look on her face.  
  
Lila: "Um Miss Scarlet, are you alright?"  
  
Scarlet paused and slowly tilted her head until she made eye contact with her.  
  
Scarlet: "....." Lila: "Miss Scarlet, should I call a doctor for you?" Scarlet: "Prepare to die evil doer!"  
  
Scarlet drew her dagger and chased Lila around the room. Lila screamed for her life until she ran into a wall and fell unconscious. Scarlet quickly tied up and gagged her and threw her inside a janitor's closet.  
  
Scarlet: "Now prepare yourself Rufus Shinra!"  
  
Rufus: "Security, go outside and find out who is screaming outside my office door."  
  
Moments later, security returned while dragging Scarlet by her collar.  
  
Rufus: "Scarlet, what is with all of this screaming all of a sudden?" Scarlet: "Rufus Shinra! Prepare to meet your maker!!!"  
  
Scarlet launched herself at him, but fell back for the security guard still held a firm grip on her collar.  
  
Scarlet: "Ack that hurts!"

Guard: "What shall I do with her sir?"

Scarlet: "....."

Rufus: "Indeed that question requires a lot of thought."

Guard (thinks to himself): "It's not a very hard question."

Scarlet: "....."

Guard: "Should I dispose of her sir?"

Scarlet: "....!!!!"

Rufus: "No that is not necessary."

Scarlet: "... sigh."

Guard: "Uh... then what?"

Guard (thinking): "I think I know where this is going."

Rufus: "Send her back to the vet."

Guard (thinking): "Jackpot!"

Scarlet: "!!!!!!"

Rufus: "And get her unfixed."

Guard (thinking): "Can't we just put her to sleep?"

Guard: "Is that even possible sir?"

Rufus: "I'm not an expert, so I don't know. So just do it. I trust a vet more than Hojo.

Guard (thinking): "Oh no my ADD is kicking in. Must pay attention, must pay attention."

Rufus: "He'll probably just turn her into another science project."

Scarlet (cringes): "...."

Guard (thinking) "Poor little fish."

Rufus: "Am I clear?"

Guard: "Very well sir."  
  
Scarlet screamed and chewed on the guard as she tried to escape from his grasp. Rufus shuts the door behind him and walks to his desk. He picks up a small stack of paper and inspects the name on it.  
  
Rufus: "Lila can you please send Mr. Corneo into my office at once?"

Rufus (chanting): "Please he's not there, please he's not there."  
  
There was no answer on the other line.  
  
Rufus: "Lila are you there?"  
  
Still no answer.  
  
Rufus: "Damn that stupid lunch break. That's why I can't get anything done here.  
Everyone is always eating. That's why we even have a gym here, but no one ever  
uses it. More than half the staff members here are fat like Palmer!"  
  
Rufus walks out of his office and into the main lobby. He stops by Lila's desk and notice that her purse is still there. She never leaves her desk without her purse. He became alert by the strange sounds coming from the janitor's closet.  
  
Rufus: "It's just a stupid closet. There is no demon or a chainsaw murderer hiding behind  
that door. God I need to stop watching all those horror films. Hojo is scary  
enough for me."  
  
He slowly reached out for the doorknob, but then the door suddenly jerked and a muffled scream filled the room.  
  
Rufus: "Crab!!! Oops I mean Crap!!!'  
  
With anew determination he reached out, grabbed the knob, and forced the door open.  
  
Rufus: "AHH Lila! What are you doing in the janitor's closet, gagged and tied up?"

Lila: "Mmmmhmm!!! (Untie me!)"

Rufus: "It is quite difficult to understand what you are saying Miss Lila." Lila: "Mmmmm!!! (Then ungag me!)"

Rufus: "I take it that this is Miss Scarlet's doing."

Lila: "MmmmMmmmMmhHmmm!!!! (Shut the fuck up and untie me you asshole!)"

Rufus: "Miss Lila, you look upset. Do you need some assistance?"

Lila: "Mmmmmmmmm!!! (Die you asshole!!!)

Rufus: "I will leave you now then. Have a nice nap Miss Lila."

Lila: "Mmmmmmmm!!!! (No don't leave me here!)"  
  
With that Rufus shuts the door and walks back into his office, ignoring the screams and silent insults that Lila was hurling at him.  
  
Lila: "Mmmmmmmmmm! (Fuck you and die you asshole!)


	5. Chaotic Conversation

Chapter 5

Chaotic Conversation

A/N: This is a mental conversation between Vincent and his demons, but mostly centered on Chaos.

Vincent: I wonder...

Chaos: About what Vinny?

Vincent: Don't call me by that name you demon!

Chaos: You hurt my feelings. (Cries dramatically)

Vincent: As if you have any.

Chaos: That's harsh.

Vincent: You are deserving.

Chaos: Am not.

Vincent: ...are too.

Chaos (singing): Am not!

Vincent: ... why am I even arguing with you?

Chaos: Because you are Vinny!

Vincent: I don't see what that has to do with anything.

Chaos: Because you have to defend your pride.

Vincent: ...

Chaos: Hahahaha

Vincent: You are a dullard, deprived demon.

Chaos: What! Who are you calling a deprived demon!

Hell Masker: You Chaos.

Chaos: Shut up and get back there!

Hell Masker: You make me sad.

Chaos: That's my purpose.

(Hell Masker disappears into his dark corner.)

Chaos: You dare call me stupid!

Vincent: Yes.

Death Gigas: Hahahaha

Chaos: Shut up!

(He uses Chaos Saber on Death Gigas.)

Death Gigas: Hey watch it, you can poke my eyes out!

Chaos: That's the point!

Death Gigas: ...Asshole.

Vincent: ...

Chaos: Oh, I almost forgot about you.

Vincent (sarcastically): I'm sure you did.

(Death Gigas attacks Chaos, but misses.)

Death Gigas: Grrrrrr

Chaos: Hahahaha!

Death Gigas: I'll get you. Just wait and see.

Chaos: Yeah sure.

Death Gigas: Just wait.

(Death Gigas disappears in the dark background.

Chaos: Okay, back to what we were talking about...I'm not stupid!

Vincent: ...You're right you're not stupid.

Chaos: Good!

Vincent: You're worse.

Chaos: That's it you're getting it!

(Chaos starts attacking the nearby brain cells.)

Chaos: Take that! And that!

Vincent: ...Chaos.

Chaos (sweatly): Yessss?

Vincent: I burn more brain cells than that by just being near Cloud and Yuffie.

Chaos: ... Well I can solve that problem for you.

Vincent: How?

Chaos: By letting me eat them.

Vincent: You are insane.

Chaos: I'm not insane, just a little mentally disturbing.

Vincent: In that you are right.

Chaos: Of course I'm right Vinny. I'm always right.

Vincent: You are quite annoying.

Chaos: More annoying than Yuffie?

Vincent: Why Yuffie?

Chaos: Because I hate competition.

Vincent: Why do you consider her to be competition?

Chaos: Because she is! Now who is more annoying, Me or Yuffie?

Vincent: You are getting there.

Chaos (singing): I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves...

Vincent: ...Wait!

Chaos: Everybody's nerves...

Vincent: Enough!

Chaos: Everybody's nerves...

Vincent: Shut up already.

Chaos: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves...

Vincent: Chaos!

Chaos: And this is how it goes...

Vincent: CHAOS!

Chaos: Yessss?

Vincent: Shut up already!

Chaos: Who's annoying?

Vincent: You are! Now shut up already!

Chaos: More annoying than Yuffie?

Vincent: At this moment yes!

Chaos: You make me feel all warm and fussy now.

Vincent: ...

Chaos: I love you too.

Vincent: ...

Chaos: The wheels on the bus goes round and round.

Vincent: Shut up!

Chaos: Oh, look it talks.

Vincent: What the Hell do you want from me!

Chaos: For you to get up and live a little.

Vincent: You're kidding right?

Chaos: No!

Vincent: Why?

Chaos: Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm so bored here.

Vincent: You? Bored?

Chaos: Grrrrr

Vincent: ...

Chaos: Just accept it already! I'm a part of you, even if you might not like the idea. I'm stuck here. So do us both a favor or I'll start killing more brain cells again!

Vincent: What?

Chaos: Stop crying over Lucretia , go out and live or I'll start singing the rainbow song!

Vincent: How dare you!

Chaos: What the rainbow song?

Vincent: Lucretia!

Chaos: Because it's true. If she were here to see you now she would probably give you a damn, stupid speech on how you make her sad, bla bla bla, that she would want you to be happy, more bla bla bla. God I hate the bla bla bla parts. And I don't want to here that speech!

Vincent: ...

Chaos: Grrrr

Vincent: Chaos?

Chaos: Yes?

Vincent: You are right.

Chaos: See there you go! Why can't you listen to me you stupid mortal , I ... uh I'm what?

Vincent: You are right.

Chaos: ...

Vincent: I keep on dwelling in my past and I'm forgetting to live in the present.

Chaos: Holy Shit!

Vincent: ...

Chaos: I think I've killed to many brain cells!

Vincent: ...

Chaos: Aww crap!

Vincent: Chaos.

Chaos: This is bad!

Vincent: Chaos?

Chaos: It's Armageddon!

Vincent: Chaos.

Chaos: We're doom!

Vincent: CHAOS!

Chaos: Yesssss?

Vincent: Shut up!

Yuffie (yelling): Vinny!

(Vincent snaps out from the conversation.)

Vincent: Huh?

Yuffie: Hello?

Vincent: Yes?

Yuffie: Damn it! I was trying to get your attention for the past five minuets! Bad Vinny! Bad!

Vincent: I'm not a dog so don't talk to me like one.

Yuffie: Well I don't care.

Vincent: Yuffie.

Yuffie: Yes?

Chaos (mentally): I want to eat you.

Vincent to Chaos (mentally): Shut up!

(Vincent uses his exit materia on Yuffie and she was sent flying out of his room.)

Yuffie: HEY! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

Vincent: Sorry, I just couldn't help myself.

Yuffie: ... What did you say?

Vincent: Good bye.

(He closes the door on Yuffie.)

Yuffie: O.O


End file.
